Please bare with me as I voice an oddity.
As of late, with the recent turn of events concerning work and friends, it has come to my awareness of the continual repetition in how certain people are treated a certain way. For sure, I am not the best of individuals, not even close. If anything, maybe I am too self-contained.
What is it that I have been doing to allow those around having taken to treat me as an after thought?
It is understandable we all have our own lives and best interest at heart. There is nothing wrong with making different plans or even having something else more important come up. Sometimes, scheduling does not work out and things are the way they are.
Yet, almost consistently, through out the years, I have been placed as an after thought of some kind. Is it wrong to want to be priority at least once or twice? To be on someones mind BEFORE they actually execute their plans for a fun-filled or even quiet night?
It has to be me, something that I am doing where most of my friends either makes plans without me, finds me when all other plans are unavailable, or cancels on me for other people.
More than anything, I want those I care about to have fun and be as happy as possible. If that means making plans without me due to my own personal schedules and curfews, I would whole-heartedly support their decision.
Until the previously mentioned event, it never really hit me as hard to realize how disposable I've become. Even earlier this evening, on a very short and often silence filled phone call, a friend made it very clear I shouldn't make said friend feel guilt for making plans on off days. Another friend suddenly contacted me at nearly bedtime to hang out because all other plans were cancelled and when I refused, got mad and basically left me alone.
Maybe it is the timing of these close knit events, but now the nagging feeling of the occasional emptiness in being adrift has become a full blown tempest harshly and violently sucking the life out of me.
I know I am a rather difficult person, often being too stubborn in my choices and actions. Demanding and self-contained. I may live for myself, but I do not live by myself. It is out of concern that my genetic donors puts limitation upon my actions. Every action has consequences, I cannot make decisions and not think about how those closest to me will be effected. It is easy for someone to tell me that I should move out, that I should be independent. Constantly throwing my age in my face and how I'm being the poster picture of the filial Asian girl. Yet, if I suddenly throw all my belonging into a luggage and walk out, would these same people freely and kindly lend a place of one to rest their weary soul? Would they help with any financial or economical difficulties? Talk is cheap if you do not have to deal and live with the consequences. I may be well pampered, somewhat arrogant, often long winded, and socially awkward, but I am not callous enough to disregard the feelings of those whom have placed years, time, money, and really loud demands (most of which are unreasonable) upon raising me, for the sake of someone else's ideas about freedom and Independence.
If not being able to leave at the middle of the night to fulfill someone else's expectations, having a curfew, and prefer to make plans becomes a hindrance to friendship, then I am doomed to a very lonely existence.
Always an after thought. Hearing about how several other friends got together and had so much fun is great for I want nothing better than to see those around me in joy. Hearing about how one's friends thought about, or realizing half way through, how much their friend (me) would love to be there at which ever area or what ever event, BUT knowing that I wouldn't be able to go because of so-and-so reasons...
I don't blame anyone, but recently, it occurred to me how much happier I would feel if these friends grabbed a knife and just tried to stabbed me.
At least I would be able to see it coming and either run or defend myself. Instead, I'm left with an awkward speechless half-smile because they obviously thought about me. What is there to confront about? Why would I need to make a big deal out of nothing? They thought about me. Isn't that what matters in the end? They care. It is because I have trouble making spur of the moment plans, that I live too far away, that I don't drive well at night, that I don't want my parents to worry, that I get pushy and want my way the few times we're all able to get together, that I am making too many excuses...
This is probably why I'm so addicted to my books. They don't ever leave me, even after the tattered pages slowly crumble...the pale yellow of aged books only shows the years they've been a part of my life. Stories will always stay with me, if only in my head.
Edit: I guess I should put in a little disclaimer to say that this is not include ALL my friends. In truth, despite my bitterness and obvious grievance, I'm more upset at myself. Seriously, what have I been doing which consistantly gives an image that I'm okay with being systematically expendable? Especially among close friends.
It was also the last individual's unhidden anger at me not running out to meet up the moment the person suggested some get together at ten in the evening. Also the fact, in the last two months, every single one of my friends has one time or another, left me out. It wouldn't be such a stinger if one event did not happen after the other. Continual for two months in various forms, some one was bound to notice.
This has been a better month and I did get to do some fun stuff. That'll come in a later blog of course. After some food and happiness. ^_^