Lately, my net usage times have been rather erratic (been doing interviews left and right on top of a full time job). This may continue for some time due to some changes I am implementing in my life.
First off, I've quit my current job.
Second, I found another job which begins almost right after I come back from SF.
In previous posts, I had mentioned quite a few social problems. Well, what's bigger than disagreements between friends? Family!
Yes, for the love of whatever is out there, family is the one weakness that flows and pours into every cell of this forsaken body-with every breath inhaled. The karmic entanglements just do not end.
Needless to say, things were rather bad. Things at work (before I was finally able to quit as well as the continual stress of job searching sneakily-an action I am rather unhappy with but still maintained), problems with friends, and finally-the never ending cycle of some familial and filial obligations where social and internal pressures have pretty much crushed all fledgling attempts at individuality, independence and creativity (I haven't been able to write a single story in over 6 freakin months!). I could write a ****ing story.
And you know what it all comes down to? My own stupidity.
So, to remedy all of this. I've searched far and wide for months on end, against the huge tides of rejections and disappointment. Toiling away to find another job, but finally-yes, this new job shall enable me to finally move out and move on (I hope I don't do anything stupid and lose it).
Of course, many are against such violent actions since my leaving will be seen as a black stain marring the pristine facade of an impossible idealized painting. Especially from my own relations for such extreme actions to be taken within a culture where honor, names, and face means more than most people's lives, well, I might as well strip myself naked and dance in the streets dripping the blood of innocent animals and children. At least being deemed insane would have given me some leeway.
Guess what, I could care less. Well, I still care or else I would be out of my situation years ago when I could have left for college. But what did I do instead-I stayed. The idiot. For family, and if I'm truthful, a little for myself.
If I shall suffer either way, it may as well be one of my own choosing. It'll be insanely less money I can save towards anything, but I'll have some form of freedom.
The tough part will be leaving with my dog. As a few friends had suggested that I leave her, I'd like to take this time to vent off the fact my dog is extremely old and dying of cancer. Yes, cancer. For the sake of economics, yes, I shall abandon the one animal who's always been there with me. Her eyes always following my movements no matter how small. My voice always brings her running and the happiness of just being together. My dog, who adores me as much as food (I would never believe I could mean more). My sweetheart who's dying. Of cancer. Yes. Swell. You see how I have five fingers? If the thumb and the pinkie touch, fold the index second and forth where the first two meet. That's my answer. Am I sweet enough? ;)
Mother decided to delay my departure by revoking transportation rights should I depart (no I do not own a car). Anyone living in Southern California can understand the utter horror. So, instead of any meager savings I may have had, I'll be sending that towards some from of transportation as well as some little hole in the wall to lay my weary spirit; my two new priorities.
My life is going to suck hard. I will barely have any furniture; have only one set of utensils. Go to the library for internet after work(hmm...haven't I started doing this already?). No more going out to movies (unless it's the dollar theater, but I'm doing this as well). Huddle with my dog at night for warmth (okay, now I'm exaggerating). No more shopping for new clothes and shoes (why?! why must you take the shoes?). Overall, be really really frugal. This vacation to SF will have to last me for a while. At least for another year or two. Maybe I'll save enough money by then for another trip.
(Funny how books and food are not listed up there. Hehehehehe.)
What is more important than life itself? More so than love?
Maybe food would mean more, but hey, I'm not splitting hairs.
So, here is my excuse for not being consistent. For being moody and sensitive. For whatever (gad, do I sound insincere? Really need to work on my non existing social skills).
Thank you for listening to me go a little nuts. It's really not that bad. I have food, shelter, clothes. I'm able to go out even if it's to sit somewhere and stare at the trees and sky. My friends and I chat on the phone and online. I have books. I'm not doing much self pitying or crying for sympathy. In truth, I'm just pissed. Mainly at myself for letting certain things in my life happen.
My life has never been smooth. Fate has always been too good a friend and thus enjoys the twists and turns of our intertwining golden threads. I am just really tired of this constant feeling of helplessness. I don't want to be those fairytale heroines that get rescued. I want to break free and have adventures! Go dancing and singing. Or just stay up late watching late night TV. Go to 12AM showings. No more cowardice. I am not broken as some stupid date suggested. I am not fake in presenting who I am. I refuse to be flaky and inconsistent.
Kiss my ass, world. I'm here, I'm here to stay. If someone has a problem with it, nothing short of homicide would make a big enough change.
I promise, this shall be my last bit of personal rant. I do want to focus more on the books and films I've been coming into contact with. I have lots. Just haven't been able to sit down and concentrate for a while.
Book reviews to come! And San Fransisco reports! :D
With much love from me to you~~~