Monday, September 15, 2008

The Letter that was Never Mailed

Dearest Gloria,

How have you been? It's almost two years since I last heard from you. I hope all is well. I do apologize for taking two years to write this letter, but I think it's finally time for me to get things out in the open. Of course, the fact you would never take my calls, ignoring my emails and voice messages and refusals to answer even answer the door made things just a bit harder - and me hesitant to write to you.

Two years since we last spoke. Where do I even begin? I hope your health is well. I miss Tom very much, but I did not want to put him in a situation where hanging out with me would make you uncomfortable. Because is sure as heck makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it.

What brought this on? I guess this is a good place to start. Believe it or not, it was some simple hollywood movie I watched. Some glamorous unrealistic movie called The Last of the Mohicans. In the old days, we probably would have sat down and laughed together; the good, the bad, the fun. A movie filled with props, stereotypes, and good old fashion fairytales. Yet, this can never happen again and the worst part of it is I would never truly know why.

Why did you suddenly feel as if I'd done something so horrid as to cut yourself off completely from me? Did I hurt you? Did I lie? Cheat? Kill? To this day I still do not understand what was so severe as to constitute the end of our friendship.

Did you know I truly thought of you as my family? That you were like my WaiPo (maternal grandma) and that was no small compliment. She was my everything and when she passed away, I felt as if I was a tiny spec of dust floating aimlessly in the vast icy vacuum of space. Until I met you and you completely blew me away. Like the rays of the sun gently brushing aside the winter snow breathing life to a new spring day.

Then you left. The feeling of abandonment was not new to me, but I never would have conceived the one individual I completely believed in to treat me with such callousness. The worst part is never knowing why. If you had confronted me, yelled at me, for once-explained to me what it was I did to cause such a reaction, I would at least take it with grace.

Instead, did you know what I had to tell my little cousin (the little girl who looked up to you even more than I) why she couldn't see you or Tom anymore? That we could not go out and play, go volunteer or even just sit and do nothing together? That it was because I don't know what I did and you don't ever want to speak to, or even about me again? To this day she believes you'd still come back, but I know you won't.

You broke my heart more than I could ever imagined. But how dare you break her's. What right do you have to be so uncaring one sudden day without any explanation? For that alone, I do not think I could ever let this go. I had to hear it from Tak- that you didn't even want to mention me because you love me? This is love?

It took me six months to fully come to terms with your indifference because from the bottom of my heart I would never have believed you to act this way. But we all know what happened to that. If I did have a heart before, I certainly do not anymore. Yet, in all my anger and hurt, I just cannot let go of my confusion. Do you know how hard it is to have to defend yourself without knowing it? Do you even care?

Believe it or not, I've narrowed down the reason and placed blame on another. Yet, when I really thought about it, if you were so easily swayed into believing them to the point of not even giving me the opportunity to speak for myself, then that is your truth.

I do not want to worry about your heath anymore. Worrying whether you and Tom were getting enough rest. Getting any help with all the stuff you need to do. If people were treating you well.

You were my family, but you also know better than anyone else how fragile that relationship can be. You made your choice and I can only hope I will come to respect it. If I could cry, I would - but it's not worth crying about. Not anymore. Even as the lump form in the back of my throat, as my vision becomes blurry and the pain of every breath I take screams at me to let it out, I would rather save my wrinkles for laughter rather then tears.

Two years. I think it's about enough. Time may not dim the pain or dull the wound, but at least I've filled it living my life to the best that I could. For that, I do thank you. You did help me more than I could ever say. Even this brutal break had helped me move on as best as I could. Meeting new friends and entering a different career path.

Maybe someday I'll stop caring. Maybe one day, I could look back and laugh. Until then, I wish you and Tom well. And that whatever it was, was worth it.

Peace and love,
~~~~

5 comments:

  1. Awww sweetie I had a letter like this. (Mine was too my ex-husband) But I feel your pain. Did you find it helped a little writing it? It helped me realize that sometimes people are just people and react in ways we can't understand. But letting them know how we feel/felt is what matters to us and helps start to find that closure!
    Good luck

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  2. It did help a bit. She was one of my professors and as I wrote, like a grandma to me. It was just a really big let-down and very irresponsible of her. She's supposed to be the adult, you know? At least writing this diminished the urge to want to yell out at the world for all the stupid people out there; the injustice of people's selfishness. I'm sorry you had to deal with something like this too, hon. You are right, sometimes, we really just don't understand. Thanks!

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  3. Oh honey! I feel for you and the loss of your friendship with this person. I hope that writing this letter helped you heal even more.

    {{big hug}}

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  4. Tracy- It helped...somewhat. Life's full of these ups and downs. This one was just over a reason I cannot fathom...and the one answer I can think up is extremely pathetic. Oh well~~~ *hugs*

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  5. (((((((Hugs))))))) It can be devastating when a good friend does something like this can't it?

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