Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Too soon?

How soon is too soon to move in together with someone? Cuz...the guy wants to.

I was originially okay (or, I didn't have an opinion one way or the other), but the more I thought about it, the more it sounds off. As in, it's only been 2 months...and, I haven't had a chance to be on my own yet.
The guy thinks it is a solution to our "problems" since we are too far away. I...don't know. Yeah, I think I'm hesitating too.

On another note, I just finished Jade Lee's The Concubine. Not bad. I've now started Coraline by Neil Gaiman. :D

20 comments:

  1. how serious are you with the guy? I thought you were just dating.

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  2. If you wrote this post it is too soon.

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  3. Truthfully? And I say this with the intentions of just giving advice, but I don't think it's a good idea. For one thing, it's only been 2 months and for another? If you guys have issues already just from dating, living together isn't necessarily the answer. That happened to a friend of mine and she ended up stuck. It wasn't pretty.

    *Hugs* I hope things work out for you whichever way you decide to go. *hugs*

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  4. Two months is really soon! You both should feel really excited about moving in together. Doing it out of convenience is always the WRONG way. Your intuition is right on - a gal needs to be on her own. If it's right with you two, you can move in together at a future date. And you will have a better relationship because you will have been on your own! Being on your own is so wonderful! having your own space. Wow, I wouldn't miss that for the world!

    Also, Moving in too fast is the ultimate relationship killer. Because you can never take a step back! Like, who moves in together, then moves to separate places after that that isn't breaking up?

    Bottom line: DON'T move in for the wrong reasons! Convenience is the wrong reason. It's a HUGE step. In fact, many states I think treat it as a kind of marriage.

    And, if this guy isn't respecting or hearing your desire to be on your own for a while, it raises flags. Is it possible he doesn't want to see you be on your own? Another thing to think about: once you sign a lease with him, you're basically giving him the keys to your life. He gets your mail, he has control over your credit, your space, your time. My hairdresser, as a matter of fact, got robbed BLIND that way. She met a guy, he proposed, she accepted, they moved in together and suddenly she had like 50K in credit card off cards she didn't know about that he took out. And he's gone. Not that your guy would do that, but just to say, you want to know a person. (And if you do decide to move in, run a credit check on him first.)

    But Two months is really too soon to give a guy the keys to your entire life. And what's the hurry?

    Rule of thumb: if your gut even says a little bit not to do it, follow that instinct!

    Rule of thumb #2: A man who rushes you into something usually can't be trusted.

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  5. Also, good for you for courageously posting this. And even if you decide to move in, or whatever you do, I hope you continue to post on you wonderful evolving life.

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  6. 2 months is really not all that long to be dating before moving in together - especially since you've felt some hesitation in the relationship. I didn't move in with my (now) hubby until we'd been dating a year and I knew I loved him right off the bat. Sometimes you just have to sit back and observe the relationship before you make a move. :) Good luck. :) {big hug}

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  7. What Jessica said. Also, I'm a big believer in the whole "being on your own" thing. Even if it's just for a little while.

    I also read The Concubine recently. It didn't change my life, but I thought it was a pretty good read. I'm really enjoying the historical Blazes. Lee's is the second one, Hope Tarr had a Scottish one out last summer.....

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  8. Me too. What Jessica said. Be careful. K?

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  9. Too soon, sweet girl. Too soon. All the things that everyone said. You need to be on your own first, is my GUT reaction. Enjoy yourself out from under any wing, and if he's the one, he'll be there.

    It's most important for you to have an identity that is your own apart from family and boyfriend. You deserve that chance. Plus he's being pushy, imho. And I'm mouthy. SORRY.

    Mwah. And as our pal Rosie said: Take care of yourself.

    Dude. Everyone just loves you to pieces! Look at us clambering to protect you!

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  10. I think it's too soon. My husband and I moved in together really soon and we've regretted it ever since. Not to the point of breaking up or anything (obviously...we're married now), but we both acknowledge that we caused ourselves and each other a lot of unnecessary grief.

    I loved my single alone time and sometimes I miss it. I think my marriage would be better today if I'd taken some time for myself before jumping in to the big relationship thing.

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  11. KB- We're pretty serious, I guess. He's already mentioned marriage and kids. I'm kinda thinking.

    Jessica- Good point. Very good point. Thanks.

    Bridget-True. I think I mentioned that to him too. That our problems would exasterbate. He feels distance is the problem.
    *hugs*

    CJ- Yes, no backing out. I want to have my own space! Huge step. Too big of a step. Yes.
    Hmmm...run his credit you say. Good idea. The guy has this undying (and rather legitimate) fear that I'll leave him. I guess he's hoping we'd bond or something.
    Not courageous, but I trust all of you enough to tell me the truth. :D Hope I'm not boring you with my randomness of life. >_< Thank you!

    Tracy- Yes, that's what I need to do. Sit back and observe a little bit. *hugs*

    Wendy- Yes, even for just a little while, I want to know what it is like to be on my own. :) Thank you! Yeah, I enjoyed The Concunbine, but it didn't rock my work. It was a bit rare to have historical in blaze. :)

    Rosie- I will. :) Thanks.

    LisaB- Awww, I am feeling super loved. :D And you are not being mouthy at all! No need to apologize. Being truthful and wonderful! :)

    JenB- Hmm...I should take some time for myself. :) Thank you, too.

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  12. Marriage and kids after only a few months? It seems he is concerned that you are not that into things that way he is. I would evaluate what you have together before jumping into moving into together.

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  13. Above all else, just don't let him force you into something you aren't 100% sure you want or are ready to do. Don't let him play the "If you loved me, you'd..." card.

    It's not an easy thing to undo, so you need to be really sure you want to do it before you make the leap. You'll know in your heart when it's the right thing to do.

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  14. I'm with the others and think too soon. I got married after knowing Ron two and a half months and if I had a life do-over, I still would have married him - but I would have waited a lot longer before doing so and make him "earn" me so to speak.

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  15. Hun I would take the time to learn who you are. Yes we all claim we know who we really are but you can't know until you've been on your own and dealt with life's problems as they are thrown at you.

    I dated a guy for 6 years and married him for 3 it turned out to be wrong. The one thing I always regretted when we were together was not having time to do stuff on my own. I was with him right out of highschool until this last year. During this last year after the divorce I have learned so much about myself and grown as a woman I wouldn't give it up for anything or anyone.

    Everyone is right. If he's the one he will understand that you both have to be alone and learn how to be strong/happy with yourself before you can be together.

    Hugs and love sent your way I wish you the best!

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  16. Coming from someone who was engaged by their third date and married 8 months later (and doesn't regret a thing), I still think this sounds too soon. If it's right, you know it. If it's not, your gut will tell you and it sounds like your gut is saying no. If you already have problems, moving in will only make it worse. A lot worse. And then you have no where to go when you need space, thus creating a whole mess of other problems that cycle and get even worse. Omg, do not do it.

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  17. Sarai has such an excellent point: being on your own is priceless, and you have that chance now. Go for it! The years I had my own place, and I called the shots of my life in every way, they were the best years! how to decorate, not having to check in with anybody, truly free and strong. Sometimes they are hard, but it is so wonderful, too!

    You will grow so much, and your relationship with anybody will be much stronger and more long lasting if you come to it as a woman who has been on her own and knows she can care for herself. You will be true partners. A man should want that.

    If he loves you, he'll wait. If he doesn't want to wait, RED FLAG. Because it will show what he wants is more important to him than what you want.

    And if he's talking about marriage and kids already, I just think that's very suspicious. That is known as rushing things.

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  18. I think when you see exceptions, like Katie above, it happens when both people are just so crazy in love and enjoy every minute together, and want to do the same things and they both equally want to spend their lives together. When that happens, you'll KNOW it.

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  19. If nothing else, please take your time in considering this decision. To put a twist on what Lori said, if he loves you he will wait and understand your need to be strong and independent before moving in with him. He should support your decision to have your own place and learn how to deal with life without a safty net in the same house with you. He will appreciate that, once you do move in together, you have already discovered how to handle life's issues on your own.

    Speaking as someone who has lived with their (ex)boyfriend, I am VERY biased on the subject. I can't say what you should do, but I do know that for myself I will never do it again. After three years together (two of which we lived together) and getting the "I love you, but I can't marry you" talk, I made a promise to myself that I need to be engaged before living with someone. Engaged with a date set and a wedding in the wroks. For my ex, living together made it easy for him to put off making a bigger commitment.

    If he wants to marry you, that means a life long commitment. If the plan is to still be together in 50 years, he should be able to wait for you to take a year to live on your own before cohabitating. It will make you a stronger person, one who can take care of herself and the people she loves. I hope that is what he wants for you.

    Please take the time to consider what YOU want for you.

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  20. I agree that it sounds too soon. And I'll also throw my vote in for being on your own.

    Having done both, I can tell you being on your own is something every woman needs to experience. You learn so much about yourself when you're on your own. It's an experience not to be missed.

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